What am I to you? Am I something to walk on? I hate myself for doing this. I hate myself for being nice. Is it too much to ask? I guess my birthday does not matter either if all you care about is yourself. I care about me, but I can’t do anything for myself. You want me to do everything for you. Fine, if that what you want to choose. I am nothing to no one anyway. I’ll fend for myself. I’ll be happy with myself, by myself. I don’t need you or anyone. I hope you have fun with your friends. I hope your friends will be there for you for everything that you need. If you want to go with them then go. If you think family is less important than your friends then go. I’ll be taking care of myself and my family. I’ll be on my own.

Go and have fun. Once you’re done, stay there. If you have problems, stay there. I am here and I’ll never go there.

Hope is why I’m still here. Hope that things will get better. It definitely cannot get any worse. Life is full of hope, see what the future will bring. Living is hard, dying is easy. I never take the easy way out, even though at times I think about them. Challenge is what life is all about. This is a challenge I will have to go through. What happen when I get pass all this? And prove everyone wrong. All the haters who every look down at me.

Even if there’s a small chance of things getting better, isn’t that worth fighting for? You can go out anytime you want. You can give up tomorrow. Will you fight today for a chance of happiness? I will endure because of hope. I will be because of hope. I will fight until my very last breath. I’m not fighting for anyone. It’s for me. I am fighting for myself. If it’s going to be the last thing I do in my life, I’ll fight to the death.

After life, no one knows, but anyone can get there at anytime. Now you are an adult, do you wish to go back to be a kid, innocent and naive? Maybe this is us, right now, innocent and naive. Death is what you grow into. Once you die and you are in the after life, you’ll realized you wish to be alive and do things that you didn’t do. Living is being happy, ignorant, and carefree as being a child. Living is the beginning. Life sucks, then you live. You live so that your life won’t suck. Live until the end. Live until there’s no more. Give life a chance and fight for life. For HOPE. Things will only get better from now.

The end is never the end unless you decide it’s the end.

Death, leave a message, I’ll call you back when I’m ready.

Let me go through my head. I have no one to care here. I don’t have real friend (a friend that I can talk about anything: life, work, relationship, happiness, sadness, mostly sadness.) I do however have a blog. But that doesn’t get me anywhere. I can also go to a forum and find supports. But where’s the real person who I can be with, talk, hug, shoulder to cry on.

When you love someone and that person doesn’t give a shit about your happiness, what do you do? I give and I give. She takes and she takes. It seems she wants to be single, but having me as a doormat. I’m ok with that. But what’s the reason to live. Definitely not for her, to crap on.

Going through reasoning where if I end my existence, will everything be better. Or what would make me want to live? To continue working and living and working and then grow old and die. What’s the difference, except more work to do. I am going to the gym, working out. Me looking better everyday, more muscular. Looking like a movie star. But inside, I still feel like a shit hole. I thought looking better would make me feel better.

I used to be happier and better when I had a reason to live. But that reason seems to not want me anymore. My love doesn’t want me. My family doesn’t want me. My friends…yeah. To be continued…

“For Better or for Worse; ‘Till Death Do Us Part” seems to be the phrase that every couple say when they are getting married, but how many actually stay true to their words. It seems these days that everyone got married out of their romantic love. Like most Hollywood couples, who got married and divorced in 2 to 4 years later, people got married, when they fall out of love, they get divorced. That’s my most hated word, ‘divorced’. Before I continue, I will say this: “There is no such thing as ‘falling out of love’.”

The real love is created over time. There’s no such thing as love at first sight. The feeling of the romantic love (fake love) is from chemical in their body reacting to the opposite sex. It’s a response that all animal has, for the survival of the species. The real love is when someone communicates, understands, and appreciates the other for who they are, for everything they are.

Many people who don’t understand love, got married because of their romantic love. They feed off that love everyday until there’s nothing left. And once the chemical in their body faded, they wake up and realized that marriage is work, not love. They quit. Everyone can learn to love, if they know that love is to respect and cherish one another. Quiting is never the answer, unless they are in abusive relationship and the other person won’t change (That’s another topic altogether). It takes a long time to learn someone who you’ve just met. It will take years not months. Many years. That’s the reason why people who keep changing their mate from one person to another never find true love. They never allow love to grow by learning one another.

I am no expert in love, but this is my experience and what I learn from many others. Most couples I see, once they rid themselves of their love chemistry, tends to argue. They argue a lot. Until one day, they have enough and split. The thing is, argument is healthy but it has to be in the right direction. Many chose to ignore their problem and never argue, and they quit. It’s bad both ways. So the middle ground is the only way. Agree to disagree. Argue to improve the relationship. Compromise what you can’t win. And know the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence.

I live here alone. I have no one. No one who would listen. I endure living here, for what? Where’s the end? I keep on, I stay on. Just for hope. Hoping one day things would change. But hope is fading. Once hope is gone, what will I do?

I feel like giving up. Let them win. I’m tired of fighting. Fighting for something that doesn’t want me. Maybe I’m fighting for me, for my happiness. Who knows? Should I leave? Should I stay? I have everything here. My whole life is here. Everything I have is here. I’ll lose everything. But I feel so lost.

Having everything but not being happy. Or losing everything but for a chance of happiness. Being with the person I love or being with people who love me…what to chose? I have one life to live, but I am wasting this one life. For what? What for? I am losing myself, my identity. If I am to die, who would be the first person to cry? I stay on for hope. I’m still hoping. But I’m on the edge, a thin edge that’s about to break. I am losing. But the question is to give up all hope and start a new unknown life or keep on fighting. Maybe it will be worse. But is there anything worse than this?

I know now that if all hope is gone, I’ll still have a second choice. I hope by the time I choose my second choice, it will not be too late.

Maybe the grass is not greener on the other side.